I want to be a man.

And I'm close. A lot closer than most.
I'm reading through Wild At Heart by John Eldredge, and learning what it means to be a man in the manner that god intended. But not just through this book, but also through much introspection that has taken place over the past couple months.

I often get asked why I feel the need to have a knife on my person almost 24/7. My usual response is that you never know when you might need it. But I've come to believe that my motivation lies more in a deep-seated desire to feel dangerous. This desire is also a part of the reason I will likely obtain a permit to carry a concealed weapon upon my return home.

I've felt 'off' for a long time. Like I was missing some integral part of myself. John put it this way- "I don't know when I died, but I feel like I'm just wasting oxygen." I rarely feel alive. the last time I really felt like I was alive, I was in California. Maybe it was the air, maybe it was the mountains. Or maybe it was because I was on an adventure- performing convoy training, training to clear buildings and other such tactical maneuvers.

For a long time I've wanted to take a walkabout, see other countries, do something crazy. This is part of the reason I'm going to Australia instead of coming home for my R&R. And why I'm going on a road trip(Likely alone) across the western states within a month of when I get home from Iraq. I plan to spend some time out in the wilderness, trying to find my heart. A man's heart.

Which is not to say we cannot be true men while living in the middle of a city. Only that current society wants us to be women. They want us to be nice, gentle, soft. And those things have their place. But we should not be those things all the time. Sometimes we have to do something crazy to get in touch with who we're really supposed to be.

I'm compiling a list, which I will share with you later, that a lot of you will find interesting. But for now, rest yourselves with this.

I want to fell a tree and cut it into firewood.
I want to hunt a deer and use it for food.
I want to spend a couple days camping somewhere where there's no one else for miles.
I want to stand on top of a mountain.
I want to build something. A table, a chair, a desk. Something.
I want to learn to defend myself with my bare hands.
I want to fight for something. I'm tired of sitting down and taking whatever comes my way. I want to stand up and say "No. This is important, and you can take it from my cold, dead fingers."
And last...
I want a name.
Not that my current one is bad, But if you look to the Bible, God has a habit of giving his men(and women)a new name. The name he made them for. the name he gave them before they were even born.

To quote Gladiator-
Commodus: Your fame is well deserved, Spaniard. I don't believe there's ever been a
gladiator that matched you... Why doesn't the hero reveal himself and tell us all your real name? You do have a name?
Maximus: My name is Gladiator.
(as he turns and walks away)
Commodus: How dare you show your back to me?! Slave! You will remove your helmet and tell me your name.
(Maximus turns and slowly removes his helmet.)
Maximus: My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius;
Commander of the Armies of the North;
General of the Felix Legions;
Loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius;
father to a murdered son;
husband to a murdered wife;
and I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.

Oh, to truly know who you are. That is what I long for.

Keep the faith
-JK